Freedom Exists
Many question whether or not freedom and true recovery exists in eating disorder recovery. Some believe that you are forever in a state of recovery; meaning you are always experiencing flashes of ED and fighting triggers until the day you die. Others believe that eventually one can truly recover, removing all traces of ED and forgetting the taunt and guilt surrounding food entirely. I myself use to swear that there is no true recovery. I believed I would suffer with anorexia, or something of the sort, for the rest of my life. It was definitely not assuring to find others were in recovery for the 6th or even 10th time, and to be inpatient twice myself. This was going to be my life; I would be in and out of school, work, and treatment until I die, wearing out my supports and waisting my life. After being told by even a few therapists that I will deal with this illness forever, I lost all hope of recovery. Is this diagnosis a permanent one? How is it that I can induce such a hopeless and dangerous lifestyle upon myself and not be able to escape it? You may never forget the trauma of suffering from an ED, or in another case, you may have to deal with the permanent consequences of physical damage from it, but you can live a life without constant torture and fear. At first, I found other recovery testimonies to be inspiring, however I soon began to lose hope as my own story and journey progressively got worse. Eventually, I stopped believing in recovery fairy tales and I resigned that others will also fall back into the dangerous trap of ED. I was simply miserable and desired company.
HOWEVER, I now see the light. I now see that freedom does exist, and just as I learned and crafted my disorder, I can unlearn and disassemble it. I am at a point where, after years of treading water in and out of recovery, I feel proud of my body and am much more confident with food. I feel like a woman again after years of starving away my curves and womanhood. I have more energy to live my life and think rationally. In my opinion and from my experience, this is what allows for a real recovery: surrendering to the discomfort of eating some fear foods with some safe foods long enough to restore the body and the brain. I started off slowly but I kept crawling (with a few fluctuations) forward, and now my brain can separate the rational from the irrational, my body can withstand daily activity, and my mood can be independent from food. Recovery does exist, and this is coming from someone who was once annoyed by anyone who said so. Life is possible and freedom is attainable.
In no way am I saying I am fully recovered, with no trace of my anorexic tendencies. I am, however, feeling more liberated than ever before. I have a few days with no trace of fear, and I also have some days that I count calories. This is to show that I do not expect perfection, I strive for progress and productivity instead. I no longer feel remorse after I eat safe foods, because I will simply try to eat fear foods the next day. I no longer feel guilty when i'm full sometimes because I remember that it's temporary. Recovery is about picking up after lapses or triggers, and refraining from allowing one bad day to destroy you. It is NOT a steady and consistent walk in the right direction, instead, it's a frightening and unpredictable walk. A walk that requires bravery and determination, but it's a possible walk, I promise.
